Bond Wars: Episode II

THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974)

Image from bond-girl.net.

So I suck balls as blogalongabonding. Or bondalongablog...you know what, I suck. That's the important part. In a desperate attempt to plug on no matter what, I'm continuing with next one on the list: The Man With The Golden Gun. And I will say this: this movie made me actually glad that I took a couple month break from Roger Moore.

We start off with a sideshow of freaks. A man with a third nipple, a midget servant, and attractive woman who dotes on them all. A nefarious man walks in with rotten intent...and finds himself lost in a circus nightmare. I thought two men fighting for their lives was excellent. But that was before The Man With The Golden Gun introduced me to two men fighting for their lives while being trolled by a sadsitic midget. In short, this is everything I want from an opening sequence. Followed by a rocking theme song and a simple but sensual little title sequence. 

Characters: "Good morning, sir" is Bond's first line. I feel like that more or less sums up Roger Moore for me. He's just...such a good boy. Put a collar on him and give him a Scooby Snack. I like the fact that he's got this very inquisitive thing going on. You get the feeling he's really trying hard to figure things out. Solving the case. The kind of British espionage everyone either loved or hated in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. It makes him seem always in control of the case. Always in control of the situation. Which is very good for him. But I can't help but wish he was a little more impulsive. A little less methodical and a little more instinctual. After all, that is the bad boy Bond we all know and love. What makes James Bond different from every other spy? It's that he works with his gut, his dick, and his trigger finger. But his brain? That's a part of the body reserved only for coming up with sharp quips and making everyone else look like an ass. 

I will, however, give Roger Moore this. His cool and calm attitude definitely pays off multiple times throughout the movie. Mainly during his interrogation scenes. When Bond has the gun seller at gun point and is grilling him...Bond is ruthless, but collected, which somehow makes him all the more terrifying. I would be whimpering too. Same goes for when he has the lovely half-naked Andrea Anders (Maud Adams) pinned underneath him with her arm taut behind her back, ready to break. Imagining Sean Connery in this scenario, I think of the scene in which he plays with Bambi and Thumper. He more or less waterboards them to get information out of them, but he does it all with a charming smile and a lighthearted pat on the ass. Moore is a little less witty and a little more mechanically trained. Really, the argument could be made that we shouldn't have been so surprised when Daniel Craig come out and started popping bitches with a black man's smile, because Roger Moore already had the strains of a darker Bond. Which would be cool, except then Roger Moore goes and ruins his image by doing something "comedic" and stupid. So he's either forcing you to talk, or he's giving a man a wedgy and giggling about it afterwards. It makes for an uneven and just plain confusing Bond.

Goodnight and her ass of doom.

Bond Girls: Andrea Anders. Blows everyone out of the park. She's your classic Bond girl...in trouble, the bad guy's mistress, yet ready to drop her clothes for Bond at the drop of a hat. But the best part about her? She's not a ditz. Every one of her moves is calculated. She doesn't want to get into Bond's bed, but she'll do it to get what she wants...the death of the man who's enslaved her, Count Dooku. While Goodnight flat out admits that she's weak, Anders gives us something more...a strong Bond woman. Did I actually say those words? I think I did. A strong fucking Bond woman, who will do what she has to in order to get what she wants. Nothing she does is out of "weakness", instead she bides her time, waiting in the shadows to make it out alive when the gun smoke clears. Or, you know. Not. 

Goodnight is irritating. But Bond does majorly shaft her by forcing her into a closest so she can listen to him fuck another woman for two hours, so I can't really blame her. Oh, and then of course what every woman wants to hear: "Forgive me, darling, you turn will come." Roger Moore's charmingness plummeted through the floor. I can't really tell whether or not Goodnight is a heroine or a villain yet, though. Even though she's one of the good guys, she makes so many lethal mistakes she might as well be working for Count Dooku. But we forgive her, because...you know. She's hot as shit. 

Epic face-off.

Villains: Speaking of the devil. Count Dooku is terrifying. Any man who gets his rocks off by caressing his lover with his gun...yeah. Phallic metaphors aside, he's just a creepy fuck. And he has those intense evil eyebrows. He doesn't even need to say anything, he just stares at you, and you know. Coupled with a cheery smile before he kills you and a badass gun, he's brilliant. Rock on, Christopher Lee, rock on. 

As for henchmen, since he was a lonely bastard he had all of two henchmen. One never said a word and instead molested Goodnight briefly, just so we know he's a "bad guy". The other was Nick Nack. Nick Nack is at times amusing, at times over the top. I would've liked it if they just went all out and made him a little evil fuck. He clearly had a sadistic streak and used it well. But then to have that all undermined at the end when he got shoved into a suitcase like the odd little midget he is...well. It left me feeling not so crazy about Nick Nack. 

Most badass moment: An extremely cool car flip. Which just happened to be ruined by the Looney Toons noise it made when it flipped and J.W.'s subsequent flipping out with his ass in the air. WHY? This is only tied with the fact that the headquarters are on the half sunken Queen Elizabeth. Brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant. Not only does it look cool, but it adds to the whole circus ambiance of the thing with its sideways doors and slanted staircases. 

Most ridiculous moment: Return of the J.W...no. For one, you can't repeat that. For two, a racist white trash all-American Louisiana sherif isn't going to vacation ins Hong Kong. He's truly the Jar Jar Binks of Bond films. 

"The bridge is that way!!!"

Quotes:

Bond: "There's really not very much for us to do tonight...or is there?" He's like the narrator for a horror movie trailer. Worst Bond pick up line. EVER. And he's surprised when it doesn't work? No...no. The audience is surprised when it does.

Count Dooku: "You seem, Mr. Bond, I thought I always liked animals. Then I discovered I liked killing people even more."

Mission report: I honestly couldn't tell you how I feel about this movie if I tried. On one hand, the pacing is good, it's entertaining, Andrea Anders is the shit. On the other hand, it's too gimmicky, Goodnight is ridiculous, and J.W. is just too much. There was a lot of awesome, but a lot of shit as well. I'm just going to have to say it was a pretty good Bond movie and leave it at that.